Lexie is resting peacefully, and I am supposed to be writing my ISL Project.  But I can’t focus.  You’re just weighing heavily on my heart tonight.  There are just times, like these, that it takes my breath away.  It just feels like soon I will log into my gmail and you will be there waiting, ready to chat.  Just like it is any other day.  I still remember the day, the look on J.Tom’s face when he came in the room.  I knew something was wrong, I didn’t believe him.  I’m not even sure how we survived those first few days, any of us.


Sometimes, I still don’t think it can be true.  Some people have found peace, but I just cope. I am not okay with you being gone.  I’m still holding on.  We talk about you so casually now, which is good I guess, but sad too.  We won’t ever have another picture with you in it, and that is a strange thought.  Watching those videos, I am barely able to remember creating them, but I do remember the frantic feeling that I had to complete them; I was so afraid I would forget things if I didn’t.  I don’t know where you are, or what you’re doing every day… if anything.  But I do know I miss you here.  It’s not fair.  It has almost been 2 years and I am stunned.  How can time go by so quickly without you here?  What happened to the 24 years that you were here?  Sometimes at night I try so hard to remember one more day, one more time we spent together.  I am sorry you were so sad.  I am sorry no one could make it better, I feel like we didn’t try hard enough to make it go away.  Then sometimes I know we did all we could.


After you died and God sent us Lexie, things changed.  I was happy again, a void had been filled.  But Daddy said something the other day, maybe she would have made things better for you, too.  Maybe if you had held on a few more months things would have been different, there wouldn’t have been an end, at least not such an early one.  I looked up the meaning to the title of your blog the other day-Thirteenth Stepper.  Did you always know you would die this way?  Did you just give up?  Because sometimes I feel like you just didn’t want to, and then other times I feel like maybe you just gave in one more time.. either way I hate it.  I hate what drugs do and I hate how they destroy entire families, souls.  When we were camping last weekend, oddly enough, I saw Peter and his son.  We just spoke for a minute, but it was weird to think I would run into them so far from their home, and over an hour away from mine..  There is this new song, and I think of you when I hear it.


I miss you Bubby.