Read It With Me Wednsday: Running from God, with Wisdom Wednesday Link up

In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me. Psalm 86:7

You know there is that saying about how people only turn to God when they really need him- when they lose someone, have no money, lose a job, are alone, etc.  In other words, people don’t think about God when everything is rainbows and butterflies, just when they are desperate.

God and I have a different relationship.

Before, when things hit my life that were hard, my track record was to run from Him.  Sorta like Jonah, thinking he could run away from God and do what he wanted, versus doing what he was told to do.  Well, maybe not quite like that.. but you get the idea.

Running. 

My brother died 4 years ago this past July.  


Losing your sibling (and I imagine your child) hits you so hard it does’t just take the wind from your chest.

There is no air left in your world.

I remember being so strong, somehow.  I remember his friends asking me how I was so honest about it all, how I was so strong, and okay.  My friends in both Memphis and Hot Springs rallied around me and lifted me up in their prayers.  (as a matter of fact, at this time I became close friends with the most amazing group of girls in Hot Springs, who are still my closest friends.)  

I don’t even know what my thought processes were when I was out in the world. 

But I do remember the depression.  

I remember the hate that filled me for anyone who had never lost their brother.  Or as I call him my first best friend

I remember the blame I placed on everyone involved.  Anyone who {I thought} could have ever prevented his death.

But mostly, I remember the hate I felt for God.  And the blame I placed on Him.

To me, at that point, there might as well not be a God.  He took my only sibling, left me alone in a mess of drama and hate.

I go back and read my journal of those days; though I remember those feelings, I don’t recognize that girl.

She was so broken, and though surrounded by people, so alone.

There is one reason, and one reason only that I don’t recognize her today.  

It is the Grace of God.

The prayer of my family- my daddy, my granny, my mom.

The prayer of my husband.

And God answering those prayers.

Those are the only reasons I made it to December 28, 2009.

That was the day I took a pregnancy test, that told J.Tom and I we were having Lexie.

I was really upset at first.  We had not planned for a baby- I was in school, I wasn’t working anymore because I was taking 21 hours at a time to get done early; I had plans for taking intense mini sessions come summer, so I could get through school.  Graduate.  Get a job.  Save money so that when we were ready for kids, I could stay home to raise them.

But God knew what was needed.  He knew exactly what plans he had for our family.

And somewhere, between losing Jeremy in July, and giving birth to Lexie Raye September of the next year, God began His real work on me.  I knew that the creation of our baby was no act of hate.  And slowly He started pouring the love back in to my heart, and I started learning to accept it.  

He is still working in me.  But I don’t resist it anymore.  I know I am broken.  I know I have sins, and faults that only the blood of Christ can take away.
 


Since the morning I heard this song on Pandora, this blog post has been weighing on my heart. 


When do you get scared, or angry, and run from God?  Or do you run to Him instead?  Share in the comments.


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