I cried..

and I cried, and I cried some more.  I am crying now.  I know she will be fine.  But that doesn’t make it any easier that strangers are going to be taking care of my baby.  To me, she is everything, to them she is a job.  To me, changing her diaper is fun and our favorite time of the day.  To them, it is gross and boring.  For me, snuggling with her after her naps is what being a mama is all about.  To them it means another one to watch, now that she is awake.  Watching her develop and learn new things every day is what makes my days at home so rewarding, but for them it is just another baby doing baby things.  I want her to be just as special to them as she is to me, but I know she won’t be because she isn’t theirs. So what is a mama to do?

I know I should just relax and everyone says I will get over it, but it really isn’t that easy.  Not to mention she is only nursing in the mornings and at night now.  She practically refuses to nurse any other time, so I have stopped forcing her… but she does nurse better in the am and pm than before (I guess because she doesn’t all day? I don’t know..)  Anyways,as lyrical genius Toby Keith says, the fit is just hitting the shan all at once and it is a depressing overload.

I probably won’t get to write many blogs once school starts.  Well, I don’t know.  I say that, but really I write better when I am super excited or stressed and depressed, so I may end up writing more, they may just be shorter blogs.  I guess I have always vented through writing; I’ve kept a journal since I was barely writing at 5 years old.  My goal is to write with more adjectives and to be more descriptive, I am usually in such a rush to get it done that I do not take the time to describe things or make my writing more interesting and colorful.  So, that is a new personal goal for my writing.

(I will try my new colorful writing here:) Tomorrow, Wednesday the 29th of December, I will leave Lexie at her church daycare for a few hours.  I plan to drop her off about 1:45, cry for a bit, go to the gym for a few sweaty miles and lift a few boring pounds, them come home to take my depression and frustration out on the bathroom and J.Tom’s filthy, cluttered boy room, and lastly pick Lexie up about 4:00.  Oh, and i have to mail a few square packages.  There.  Descriptive.

Oh my word, my friend from school just reminded me I do not have to wait until May to be home with Lexie, we will have the entire week of spring break in March!  YAY!!!!

This is why I don’t want to go back to school and leave Lexie.  Can you blame me?!

One comment

  1. naomigrace says:

    I can’t blame you at all 🙁 Your first paragraph, I think, says it perfectly. Or at least what I would be thinking if I were in your shoes. I am SO proud of you though! I was just telling Patrick yesterday how brave I thought you were and that if I were in your shoes I don’t think I could do it. You’ll be so proud of yourself (and Lexie!) by time May comes!!

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